Responsible for Rejection?

 It's times like these you start to feel oddly responsible for random, uncontrollable events. Such is grad school applications.

Did I forget to send something? Did I label everything to the right school? Did I spell something wrong? Did I look like an absolute idiot in my personal statement?

And so on. Every potential mistake becomes a potential rejection, and it can be masochistically fun to play with all the possibilities in your head. I think back to the study we read in my senior capstone class earlier this semester, the one about "tempting fate," and instead of feeling comfortable that fate is just an illusory idea that permeates biased thinking, I pretty much keep trying to figure out what hubris of mine screwed things up.

 Getting rejected from most of your schools is not fun, especially when you do have a stellar CV, publications and good writing/interpersonal skills. Especially when it comes as a surprise like that.

So as I start to consider the possibility of applying to Master's programs and Research Lab Manager positions (how formal sounding), I'm just hoping that something will come through in the "11th hour."

And in the mean time, I should probably finish my undergraduate hon. thesis. Or something.

 I definitely had these nutso dreams about never eating again and how fun that would be. Blech, brain. I woke up still thinking I was a weightless little thing, and promptly ate brunch. While I'm certainly getting better at feeding myself every few hours in adequate amounts, I swear it's more ingrained in me to feed the cat than myself--the first thing I do every morning is feed the cat, and then go to the bathroom...although this is arguably because he tries to take a bathroom break with me if I complete these activities in the opposite order.

It's been 31 days today since I last purged. I certainly feel a lot better. The nasty "chipmunk cheek" swelling disappeared pretty quickly after a week or two, water retention after about a week and a half. Still having some other problems I'm sorting out with a medical doctor/specialist with superfluous amounts of medical testing (because most of these tests come out so clean you would never suspect I was at the brink of a heart attack three years ago).